This weekend gave me a lot to chew on. I had a revelation that got me thinking about how i’ve been relating to men and what i’ve been expecting. In short, i think that in order to protect myself from disappointment I’ve adopted a self-destructive approach. Instead of expecting to be treated thoughtfully, I expect that the men in my life would probably not like to be ‘bothered’ by me. Instead of thinking that the men around me would probably love to do nice things for me, I expect them not to call again, not to offer to pay for anything, not to introduce me to their friends, and on and on. Yup, it’s pretty obvious that this is a problem, but until i was able to isolate this notion it wasn’t so obvious to me. Needless to say, i’m working on it.
Directly after having this revelation, the universe handed me a situation to prove i’ve got to expect more. I was at a party that had great potential, but which hadn’t yet peaked. The DJ was pouring out music that went straight to your bones, the crowd was diverse, the liquid was flowing. People moved onto the dancefloor and things started to pick up. One of the people who got up to dance was this cute guy i’d noticed working at the bookstore. We ended up dancing and chatting together for much of the party and when he left he introduced me to his friends. There was something different about him that put me at ease. All the anxiety i can feel with guys i’ve just met was not there, i was still excited to meet him, but not wanting to run away! Neither of us really tried to pull a move, no numbers were exchanged, but it was obvious we were interested in each other. I’ve been thinking about this guy and our brief dancefloor talks all week. Since the party i’ve seen our mutual friend, who mentioned that the bookseller alluded to our meeting. I’m intrigued, but not really sure what I should do here.
I know where he works, and could drop by to say hi (with or without an alibi for being there). I could add him on facebook, or i could wait for him to work our mutual connection. I always lean towards the less direct, and am currently practicing my waiting skills. It hasn’t been doing too much for me though, and i’m thinking maybe i should try the brave actually-go-talk-to-him-when-you’re-sober move.
The thing is, i’m really enjoying imagining how well we’d get along, and i’m not looking forward to the awkward conversation, the reluctant but almost necessary asking out, or the opting not to, and leaving of it to chance… Ugh. I’m really wondering about this whole ‘trying’ concept. Isn’t it supposed to happen naturally? Meaning, I don’t have to do anything about my curiosity about this guy? If he’s interested he’ll just make it happen, right? And if he’s not interested it’s not worth putting myself out there… Who makes the rules anymore? I need some guidelines to work with!
I think I wasn’t nervous about this guy because we were safely in the friendzone. There were no questions about significant others, no touching on the dance floor and no phone numbers. Maybe the best course of action is to pretend to him and myself that friends is all i’m interested in, and that way I can be comfy going to see him at work and asking him to hang out. After all, i’m only tracking down someone I want to be friends with, not someone whose bones I want to jump.
I wonder why it is that the latter makes me so awkward and nervous around those in question. Why can’t I just be straightforward and smooth about being drawn to someone? Ugh all the rhetorical questions are getting to be too Carrie Bradshaw, so please if you have some advice, send it to me at settlingforsex@gmail.com, and if you let us, we’ll publish it here for all to see.
Clueless, but not in a good way, Annik
