A good friend just returned from three months in Ibiza (!!!!) and she has a million stories to tell. I’ve heard bits and pieces of her sexcapades on the Gemini island, but I know there’s more for her to divulge. However, the only thing she wants to talk about is a certain boy from school with whom she’d had a fiery romance a year and a half ago.

Just before leaving for Spain, she visited him half-way across the country. They spent two days together; fought, loved and fell hard for one another. And then she was off to the most sexed island in the world. Shortly after arriving she cut ties with the boy in question because she could not make head or tail of his behavior. For those few days she had been deep in love and her sudden long-distance perspective on the affair made her wonder at the sincerity of his words and actions. With the space between them, she understood the situation differently, and was fairly certain he had a girlfriend. 

I often find this difficult. I have in my head a certain number of ‘signs’ that I like to think are clear markers of love or sincere like of someone else. Giving gifts, calling at odd hours, sending messages about past conversations, asking to meet, making moves on the dance floor… all of these fall for me in the ‘I’m interested’ and maybe even the ’ I really like you a lot’ piles.

So why is it that when these actions start occurring for me, that I still don’t really know if the person is interested? Because everyone has different standards. My list might fall into someone else’s ‘I want to be buds’ pile. Because often when I really like someone I deliberately try not to do those things. Instead I protect myself and try to keep my feelings hidden (while still spending time with the object of my affection, hoping that he will make himself vulnerable first).

That’s just behaviours associated with expressing sexual and/or love interest. When it comes to speaking about love, it’s even more mind-bending! The guy my friend visited could acknowledge the powerful feeling that arose for him in her presence, but he seemed to be incapable of actually connecting that feeling to her. He would wax poetic about it, but then ignore her in a group of his friends.

My friend never told him she loved him. She felt that she’d done enough by flying to see him and asking to spend time with him. But I wonder if it came across that clearly to the guy. She did also visit other people and although he was the reason she took the flight, it is possible that visiting him came across as merely a convenient friend-visit. He could have been just as confused about her feelings to him as she was about how he felt towards her.

When we feel strongly, we oscillate between moments where we express our passion freely and moments where we reign ourselves in so as to protect our egos. These are mixed messages. And in a way, it’s smart that we do this. It’s testing the love-grounds, testing the potential lover. If this goes on too long, however, and no one bravely settles the matter, things get crazy.

How are we supposed to understand ‘signs’ in these situations? Is what is said or done in these ultra-confused exchanges ever universally translatable into ‘he likes you’ or ‘he likes you not’? I don’t really know- I think maybe not. I just kept repeating to my friend, “We just can’t really know.”

I know I want people to read into my actions…but only some people! And who’s to say if anyone wants me to be hopeful about their actions? I once had a guy I was in love with tell me straight up that he only wanted to be my friend (with benefits). Even knowing that he’d told me flat out he would not be my boyfriend, I was sure he loved me, because he behaved towards me as I thought men in love did. I read into his actions what his words denied. And I told myself that this guy just didn’t know his own feelings, or was hiding them for various reasons. (The jury’s still out on this one, but I think his words were true).

So ‘signs’ are tricky. Any help would be much appreciated!

Annik